It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I just want to bone him one last time before he moves across the country with his new (average looking) girl friend.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
Randomize
