Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
