my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
