I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
the last thing i heard from her was "i wanna get fucked by a stranger" and i haven't seen her since
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
