that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
be right there i have to get my cape
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Randomize
