I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
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