Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
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