i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
