i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
my nose is crying tears of wow.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
