Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
Randomize
