dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
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