Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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