sorry about calling you the devil all night.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Randomize
