Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters
I can be that talented
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Randomize
