Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
i just found out that washing ur bong in the dishwasher works. its been a productive day
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
This past week everybody of fb either got rings or semen. All I got was Covid.
Randomize
