I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
no it was not a "magical experience". After we dropped, he just sat there staring at my laptop going "apple makes beautiful things".
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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