i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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