I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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