Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
Randomize
