If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Just do let me go home with anyone especially I a guy with a hair sweater
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
Randomize
