He asked for his proof of insurance and he pulled out a Magnum by mistake. All of the sudden gignger was looking real good to me.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
