life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
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