Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Floor bacon is actually really good
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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