I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
Randomize
