good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Randomize
