god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
On another note, I kinda only wanna poop laying down now
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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