david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
definition of desperate: He gave me his SC drivers license so i wouldn't forget to facebook him.
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Going to jail was so much more fun than I thought it would be. I feel like I walked away with more than just a bomb-ass mugshot, I feel like I made some life long friends.
Celebratory bar crawl?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
Randomize
