Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
