she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
I just sold my mom a dimebag. Should I feel scared or sucessful?
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
