hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
