i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
