So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Male strippers are involved. You are coming
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
If I had your ass I would rule the world
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
