if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Not a single person will look me in the eye. Last night must've been bad.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
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