I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
