Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Randomize
