I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
it's like a replay of two fridays ago...except not in a motel and i'm not having sex in the shower.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
