DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
