I like to think it a success when the cops are called
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
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