A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
We forgot to go back and get the brick YOU WANTED TO BRING INTO THE BAR?
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Other than trying to finger me on the couch in the middle of the bar a few times, you were fine.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
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