Your tits are I can't wait for
you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
