I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
It's beautiful. It's what jesusxwants. I should send you a pic of my boobs out of friendship
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
