look no pants
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
So excited for tonight I might actually pee my pants BEFORE I get blackout
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
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