I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
somehow you got everyone naked by playing strip rock paper scissors.
I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
