I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Randomize
