my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
her tits were more amazing then brown bears with armor and guns that fire bullets of Justice that destroys inequality.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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