Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
We didn't have sex because he locked himself in the bathroom and passed out while he was taking a shit. I cuddled with his cat.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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