You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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