My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
If fixing it is ignoring it, and getting naked. Then yes we fixed it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
