One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Just puked in a cup. Poured it out the window.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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