I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Randomize
