i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Nobody cheats on THIS.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
