I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
True college students do jello shots in the library
Randomize
